Day 16

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actress ~Pinterest

Last night I got what I am sure was a booty call from my ex. A little bit of history, we dated for a few months last year and then he broke up with me; he said that I was unavailable – not from a matter of time, but a matter of heart…and he was probably right. I liked him, but to use elementary school terms, I didn’t like like him and I guess it showed. Anyhow, over the past year, he has texted from time to time to check on me, particularly when I had my surgeries, which I thought was sweet, but it always seemed platonic. Lately he has been stepping up his game, texting more and more, being flirtatious, asking my opinion on things, etc. Last night, he texted and said, “Sneak me into your room tonight.” We both have our mothers living with us and it is quite an adjustment! Anyhow, no, I am not sneaking a man into my room. First of all, its my house, I don’t have to sneak anyone, anywhere. Secondly, I am not a booty call kinda gal. And third, if I was a booty call kinda gal, I certainly don’t feel booty call ready. And that’s the rub.

Lets get past the booty call part of the story and focus on the readiness. I am way too insecure with my body right now to let anyone see or touch it, let alone try to feel sexy in it! Since he and I last saw one another, I have gained at least 50 pounds. In one year. Let that shit sink in. Last year was an extraordinary year with two surgeries. I completely gave in to all of my food issues and ate with abandon. In fairness to myself, I do gain weight really fast and furious, but knowing this, I still indulged. And indulged. At day 16, I am still only about 10 pounds down and I really have done most everything right. I am practicing my abstinence – abstaining from carbs, abstaining from overeating and completing my 21 days as clean as possible. But what happens after these 21? That’s a really good question. I need to come up with a plan for living. A plan that allows me to live.

I want to feel comfortable in my skin.

By the way, I am pretty sure that T was drunk last night even though he said he was only buzzed and that he thinks about me all the time…I haven’t heard from him yet today, I am going to assume he is sleeping it off!

Day 15

People don’t want to hear about your diet. Just shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad. ~Pinterest

Step 2. Came to believe that a power greater than us would restore us to sanity. More than ever. I came to this realization this morning after reading Step 1 again, that I am ready for Step 2. I know I can’t do this myself and have to believe that something greater than myself is the only one who can help.

My cousins Gina and Linda are visiting, they are both older than me and have watched me grow up. At no time have they ever made comments about my weight or done anything to suggest they are embarrassed, in any way, of me. That I do for myself. Meeting them for dinner after not seeing them for a couple of years, I was ashamed of the way I looked and didn’t want to go. I went and it was fine, but I kept fidgeting with my clothes, adjusting so that I could somehow camouflage my size. I couldn’t. At this point, the way I feel really has nothing to do with anyone else, it is all about how I see myself and it isn’t good.

Tonight, I am going to be in a situation where we are out and about and all I can think about is, “Will the seats at the restaurant they choose support me? Will I be able to move between seats to get out if I need to? Will the bathroom stalls be too tight?” Forget about all of the strangers that will see my body but not me. The shame of invisibility is overwhelming today.

Day 14

I think my soulmate might be carbs ~Pinterest

“If I could just get to the perfect weight, then life would be perfect.” I think I said something to that effect a few days ago…I just read that again in a passage in the book…its basically debunking that theory. And I guess, deep down, I know that to be true, but its deep, deep down aaaand, I sure would like to test the theory! LOL

I have one week left of my 21…I actually didn’t notice it until this morning. I realize that I am on Day 14, but it didn’t register that it meant only one week left. I am a little afraid to let it go. We all know that I haven’t been perfect, but the structure has really helped me. I am just over 10 pounds down. I am reading my OA books again which really help me center and I am feeling a little less overwhelmed about my future path to wellness. All really, really good things.

Day 13

All I care about is carbs, my dogs and like three people… ~Pinterest

I have thought a lot about what Dr.P said and I really need to focus on my health, not my weight. She is right. I have to get my mind right. I have a problem with food, I miss it when there is something I can’t eat and sometimes, if I know there is something that I shouldn’t be eating, I start plotting ways that its ok if I eat it. I am not a person that eats just one bite, even if I don’t really like it, I eat the whole thing. Pushing away a plate that still has food on it, is not my style.

So, now this is a journey to healthy mind and body…honestly, this is going to be a lot harder than I thought. I read this during my daily devotional this morning:

…didn’t know who I was and what my purpose in life could be, I didn’t want to be me. I wanted to be someone else. I didn’t like my looks, my body, my intellect, or any part of me. I wanted what you had – your hair, eyes, and personality…I used food to hide from me. I was afraid of what I would find if I looked…(Overeaters Anonymous, 2nd edition. ©1980)

This is true for me. I am arguing some of it in my mind, particularly the part about personality but when it comes right down to it, there is this weakness that I attribute to my personality that I would like to exchange for sure. I definitely have no idea what my lifes purpose is; I say all the time, “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.” I’m 48. Its time I figure some shit out.

I am re-reading the books that I bought when I was actively attending Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meetings and feeling more and more pulled to do the 12 step program. When I first went in 2010, I never really worked the steps, the fellowship was more important. Having someone else who could understand my struggle (the struggle is real!) was intoxicating and I was faithful in my attendance. I wish I would have actually worked the steps, too, because here I am again.

OA is all about giving up control to a Higher Power. For me, my Higher Power is for sure, God. I have been talking to God for years, have always believed there is something bigger than me that is in charge, but have never felt significant enough to have God support me.

Step One. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable. Yes. For sure, yes. I have zero control over how I think or consume food. As good as I think I’m doing on my 21 days, yesterday I cheated. Without thinking about it. At my office, I volunteered to stuff eggs for an upcoming charity event and we were stuffing them with candy and trinkets. After stuffing one hundred or so, I literally opened a candy and popped it my mouth. Didn’t even think twice about it, until it was in my mouth and then I swallowed it anyhow. I felt so guilty and ashamed. Food shouldn’t make us feel this way.

I have spent an extraordinary amount of time trying to control my eating and thinking I was in control. It is part of the very fiber of who I am; control is not something I easily relinquish and to admit that I am really not in control? That’s a big first step. But its going to take more than me saying it, I have to believe it down to my toes. I am not sure I am 100% there. This step will take more work.

This day, food wise, is really tough. I am feeling very snacky. I really have to figure out some good snacks because right now, it is taking everything I have to not walk into the kitchen and eat anything that is not nailed down.

Day 12

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut… ~Pinterest

Gosh yesterday was a frustrating day. Be warned, this language might get salty.

I mentioned I was going to the doctor and was going to ask about weight loss medication, right? Well that’s a no go. She and I had a long and frustrating talk where she pointed out that at this point, any medication could be more detrimental than good and that if my only goal is weight loss and not health gain, then I might as well have gastric sleeve surgery. First of all, I was shocked that she would recommend any kind of surgery. Second of all, after having two abdominal surgeries last year (hysterectomy and hernia), the thought of having an elective surgery is repulsive. And I guess in some corners of my crazy mind, it is the final admission of being fat. I can’t really deny that I’m fat if I have to have surgery to not be fat, right?

I’m really fucking pissed at myself. How did I let this happen?? How did I get to this point? It’s literally hard to do anything.

My doctor also said, “even if you lose 70 pounds and go to another doctor, they will still think you need to lose weight…” I know she is right, but again, it’s not what I want to hear. I can’t really live in my fantasy world when people keep throwing that shit in my face. Ultimately, her point was I need to stop focusing on the weight and focus on getting healthy. Mind and body. I appreciate what she was saying, but again, I didn’t want to hear it. I still don’t.

Let’s add insult to injury. Also, yesterday, I received my cardiac monitor. I am wearing it right now and will for possibly thirty days. It’s annoying. I have a battery in my pants pocket connected to three wires that are then attached to my chest and belly. The receiver is the size of a cell phone and it is in my back pocket. If I have any “episodes” I am to hit the record button on the thing and stay still until it beeps that it is ok to move again. I am heading to St Louis on business April 9 so it’s possible I will be able to turn it in prior to my trip otherwise I will have to take it with me and wear it while there. I guess I would have to explain to the TSA why I look like I am wired to blow. I am hopeful that I will be able to turn it in early.

I called my sister to vent, little background here, she is older than me but has always been in much better shape. She is married with three children. My sister is smart, attractive and also has food issues, but she is much better at controlling them than I am. I called her just to express my frustration with myself, the situation, everything and honestly, it didn’t help. Completely not her fault, but still frustrating. I have to find the reserves within myself to find the path, no one can fix me or make it better.

So this morning, I got up, I read my daily devotional and I went to work. One day at a time.

Day 11

Dieting is easy. Its like riding a bike. Except the bike is on fire. And the ground is on fire. And everything is on fire because you are in hell. ~Pinterest

I am working from home today so I get to watch tv while I am working and the show “Pickler & Ben” is on, it is a whole weightloss/motivational show and WOW! There was a woman on there who at her highest weighed as much as I do, today, after losing 7 pounds (yes, that’s my total as of this morning) and she was inspiring…not so much her attitude, but just seeing someone who has done it. I can do this. I can.

The other guest on the show was Jillian Michaels from “The Biggest Loser”. She inspired me. She said things that I needed to hear. I was literally thinking last night how hard it will be to NEVER have bread or pasta or sweets again and that I had to just resign myself to a new life. She said that its unrealistic to eliminate everything. My biggest takeaway is to find balance, balance is sustainable. She mentioned that she follows an 80/20 rule because she is in maintenance; if you use a calorie allowance, then 80% of her calories are nutritious and 20% might be that she has pizza and wine for dinner. She also talked about trying to eat ‘real’ food as much as possible, nothing processed that interferes with our biochemistry. The other thing she said is “find a workout program that you don’t hate” – that’s where I am. I need to figure that part out.

So I am half way through my 21 days and Im really trying to not be disappointed that I haven’t lost more weight. I know I said I am trying to set small goals that are not tied to pounds, but honestly, you and I both know that not getting mired in the actual numbers is nearly impossible…unless you are already where you want to be. But on top of the number itself, I start thinking about how long it will take to get ‘there’, wherever there is, and that I am going to have to give up so much. Its hard. I am struggling. I really need support.

Today I am going to my doctor. I have a list of items to discuss with her, but this is really a follow up appointment. That morning a few weeks ago when I woke up with heart palpitations, I went to see her and she is the one who recommended that I go see the cardiologist but once we had that cleared up, to come back. Today is that day. I asked her during that first visit to prescribe something to support weight loss, she wouldn’t do it until I cleared my heart stuff. So I am excited about todays visit.

Listen I know that medication will not solve my problem, but what I do need is something to kickstart my journey. I know this needs to be a mind, body and soul initiative. I need to feel this down to my toes. I really do know myself pretty well, well enough to know if I don’t see successes, I will give up more easily. Rightly or wrongly, it is true. I wish I could say that I had the kind of discipline that allows me to put my mind to something and just do it, but right now, this feels insurmountable.

Today I started something new. I started reading my books from Overeaters Anonymous (OA). If you don’t know anything about OA, it follows the same methodology as Alcoholics Anonymous with the twelve steps and group support. When I first moved to Jacksonville from North Carolina, I felt very out of control with my eating and life and just in general. I started researching support groups on line and found an OA group right down the street from my sister’s house where I was living at the time. When I walked in that day, I remember feeling relief. Its hard to describe, but it felt like I had maybe found a solution. I stopped going to the meetings, which was a mistake, because I felt like I had overcome my demons. I lost weight, I felt good and in control again and wasn’t that what it was all about? No. Control isn’t really the goal of OA. In OA, its all about giving up control and giving it to God, or whoever you ascribe to as a higher being, but the point is recognizing that you are powerless over your addiction (for me, food) and that you need help from a higher power.

Reading the books again helps me to remember how much inspiration I found in everyone’s story, support and unconditional love. Maybe I will start going to meetings again, I don’t know. I do know that I will continue to read these stories.

Day 10

My heart says chocolate and wine but my jeans say, for the love of God women, eat a salad. ~Pinterest

I awoke to pouring rain. I had already showered planning on heading into the office but then I heard the thunder and saw the lightning. Perfect day to work from home. And, while that is super convenient, working from home means I am going to stay in my pjs, not really get much exercise and be exposed to all sorts of temptations.

OH! Good news, I went down a pound-ish. Its definitely slow going and today I feel really…snackish. I want jelly beans, its Easter. I want a Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg. I want to be effortlessly thin and not worry about what I put in my mouth. But that will never be the case. There are so many people that it just comes easy, or at least that’s the way it looks. I have a cousin who literally tries to GAIN weight. What would that be like? Ah to eat with abandon.

Some days I get so frustrated and sad that this is my life. We all know people who are fatter than me that are in relationships, seem to be happy and living a full life, why cant I? I have said this to folks before, I think I am a lemon. I think there is something inherently wrong with me. Something that prevents me from living the life I am supposed to lead. I have an awful boss, I have zero relationship, I live with my mother and I’m just genuinely unfulfilled. At closer to 50 than 40, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Mainly, I just want to be happy.

Day 9

I don’t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy foods out of my hand. ~Pinterest

I got on the scale today. ZERO loss. Not even an ounce. Are you effen kidding me?? A girl can only take so much. I need to see a loss – it helps motivate me and when I don’t see a loss, I get super discouraged and its easier for me to want to give up. Historically that’s where I fail, I give up on myself.

I need to stay with it, this Stella needs her groove back. I’ve said it before, but I haven’t dated in almost a year…and I don’t feel attractive enough to be out with a man. It so weird, as big as I am, I feel invisible. When I am out with my girlfriends, no one sees me – invisible.

So, I wrote most of that this morning, but something weird just happened, I feel…good. More energy than I’ve had in a while, even though I am recovering from the flu. Could be my imagination or maybe, that no carb high is finally kicking in? I even tried two new cauliflower recipes. I am really craving something crunchy, salty…I just haven’t been satisfied at all this week with the foods I have been eating. Again, I think some of it is because Ive been sick, but maybe I am turning the corner?

The recipes I tried were both on Pinterest. The first one is a Cauliflower hashbrown type thing, you know the things you get from BoJangles, the BoRounds? Yes, like that. Not as good, for sure, but I think I would make them again (*recipe at the back of the book) with some modifications. For dinner tonight, I might toast one or two up and then crack a fried egg over it, now that sounds pretty good!

The other recipe was a play on chicken wings, but with roasted cauliflower florets. Again, not exactly what I was hoping for but I think with some modifications, this could be pretty good too.

All in all, I am ending this day feeling pretty positive, even though weigh in sucked ass. Today I am thinking that I will be up for a walk tomorrow…we shall see what tomorrow looks like.

Day 8

I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.” ~Pinterest

I weigh the same as I did yesterday. Today starts a new week so I guess I am locked in at 6 pounds lost for week one…and of course, my brain starts going ok, at the end of 21 days if I average 6 pounds per week, then I am 18 pounds down. No guarantees and let me say it out loud again, damn, I want it to be more. I need for it to be more. I always watch those weight loss shows and the people that are the heaviest lose like 20 pounds a week, but they are working out like crazy too so I guess there’s that. I haven’t started working out yet, I just don’t feel like it. I do have the flu so I will use that as my excuse for now.

There are so many things I don’t feel like doing. Exercise. Work. Talk to people. I just want to cuddle with dogs. Is there a job that pays for that?

Speaking of cuddling, it’s been a long time since I’ve been “cuddled” by someone else (*with emphasis on the someone else). I just don’t feel sexy at all. I don’t even feel pretty and for someone who has heard, “you have such a pretty face” most of my life, that’s saying something. I have always felt pretty even though I was fat, but I am losing that feeling, too. I am aging, my skin is sagging, my face is wrinkling, I have a harder time getting up, my thighs are rubbing together, my belly is hanging. My belly is hanging. I could hide a pack of cigarettes in my ‘apron’ – I don’t smoke so I am not sure why cigarettes would be the thing to hide, but you get the idea. I am disgusted by me.

Everything just feels wrong right now. Work. Home. Everything. Is it all as simple as my weight? I swear I was happier when I was 70 pounds lighter; and it reached into every part of my life. Is that possible?

Confessions of a Fat Girl

Welcome to my own brand of crazy. My life has become out of control…this is not about me taking back control, its about giving it up completely.

I started this journey on March 10 so I am going to post a bunch of entries to catch everyone up…buckle up, lets go!