Figuring it all out…

I wish I had a magic 8 ball that would truly tell me the future. Losing my job has pushed me into decision making mode about what to do with my life…and honestly, I don’t know if I am ready. I have always been one of those people that just…well, landed. When I was a kid, I never wanted to “be” anything when I grew up; not like the other kids. And that kind of played out as an adult, I just drifted, but I have always been so fortunate and landed in the right place at the right time. Even my last job, when I was laid off from BofA, I found a new job within 30 days at Citi. In both cases, I didn’t have mortgage experience but my leadership skills carried me in. I want to have faith that what I bring to the table now will also carry me somewhere. Just where?

As long as I was Citi, I really didn’t have to think about what I wanted to do next. As much as I hated my job, I was comfortable; I was making a decent wage and for the most part, I knew what I needed to do. I had a great team of guys that I liked working with and I think they liked working with me too so unless someone pushed me, I probably wasn’t going to jump. So they pushed.

I love managing a team and you know what? I’m good at it. As much as I say all the time that I don’t like people, I’m pretty fortunate that people like me.

So all in all, I’m still doing ok after being laid off, but now I have to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Talk about a push!

So I was laid off today. I didn’t expect it at all…I’m probably a bit numb but I think I’m ok. I live paycheck to paycheck so I need a job and I need it soon but I’m remarkably zen about it. I’ll probably jump off a cliff tomorrow but today I’m good.

I have hated my job for a long time. I have felt like it was slowly killing me…I guess someone felt like I needed a push. Now what?

Goals

I have none. Personally nor professionally. At least that’s the way I’m acting. I act as if I don’t want success and I don’t want to be a contributing member of society. Nothing could be further from the truth. I want so much more for myself than what I’m demonstrating.

There is this old saying (adage? -is there a difference) that if you bargain for life with a penny, that’s all you’ll get back. Honestly, I fucking owe the universe money. I’m definitely not living up to my potential.

I’m in a job that I hate. It sucks the life out of me on the daily…but I’m grateful to have one. I am in a body that is so mad at me, it’s attacking itself (Hashimotos, Vitiligo, Lupus, seriously, what else?)! I’m pretty sure I have a new hernia. And still I get fatter every day.

I don’t want a pill that makes me thin. I want a pill that makes me WANT it so bad that I actually do it. Someone fucking wake me up.

Cycle of destruction…

Almost every day I wake up and think, today is the day. Today is the day that my thinking shifts and I make it happen. And then I have pizza for breakfast (like I am doing right now). Being a compulsive overeater is like having a secret job. You have to find ways to fit in the snacks, extra meals, extra snacks and do it all without anyone noticing. Nah, they wont notice the extra fifty pounds Ive gained only eating healthy. Nah, the wont notice all the wrappers and shit I stuff in the bottom of the trash can or hide with other crap. Nah, they wont notice that I never have any money to do anything at all because I am spending it on garbage food. Honestly, it truly is the definition of insanity. Every time I wake up and think today is the day; I go to bed thinking “tomorrow is the day.” When will I break this cycle?

Yesterday I had the perfect day. Not a carb entered my mouth. Then, at 830 pm, I had Dark Cherry Chocolate ice cream. A big ol mug full. And it was fucking delicious. So this morning Im eating pizza. I am heading to St Louis today for work. And I will be on a per diem so I get to eat on someone else’s money. Fuggedaboutit.

I feel like Margaret…”Are you there God, its me, Jeanine” except instead of asking for boobies and a womanly figure and mindset, I am asking for HELP. Help to break this cycle of destruction.

I recently became an Independent Distributor for SeneGence; the people who make LipSense – I did it because ONE, I love their products and TWO, I need a distraction. I am super lonely and I eat out of boredom. So maybe if I can create a small business for myself that is so time consuming, I can leave compulsive eating behind….wouldnt that be a miracle? I went to a training session on Saturday and one of the many wonderful quotes I picked up was “Push through the negative to the JOY”…can I do that? Can I really find my JOY?

Rebel with zero cause…

My mind is a jumble. I am struggling so hard…I KNOW the right thing to do but I do not do it…and quite frankly, I rebel against it. I had two doctors appointments today, on the second one, it was a new doctor to me. He literally asked why I dont try to lose weight and I flippantly answered that I just dont. And then I drove to Dunkin Donuts and picked up two donuts and an iced coffee. Really??? Who do I think I am rebelling against? Ultimately its me.

I know I keep asking the same question, why? Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I get it together? Why can’t I just…fill in the blank.

In one of my readings there was this person talking about how when we say we will start over tomorrow, it basically gives us permission to keep eating compulsively for the rest of the day. Instead of just starting now. That sticks…

I was looking at pictures of myself and I hate what I see. There are no good angles. Why do I keep doing this?

Path…

Today I read something interesting…in one of my daily readings (that I havent been doing daily), someone mentioned a straight path…visual is really important to me…so anyhow, they mentioned that the only way through is on a straight path, not veering off based on whim (Im paraphrasing). For some reason, this has power for me. Thinking about how many times I step off the path is mind-blowing. I start a diet (a new path) and stick with it for awhile and then I take a left turn or a right turn, or go backwards altogether. I never stay on the path. Why? Its the only way to get to the illusive “there” and yet, I veer. Veer is a funny word. Yep, off the path.

I have to figure out what it is that takes me off the path and away from what I am working toward. And, equally important, how to get back on the path. How do I do that? I dont even know where to begin. I have been doing this all of my life…

How?

How is it that I can know the right thing and continue to do the wrong thing? How can I actively do the opposite of what I should do – consistently? I am so frustrated with myself. My colleagues in OA keep telling me to be gentle with myself…but damn I feel like an absolute failure. All.The.Time.

The first step was really easy. I am powerless over food. Hell, I am powerless over just about everything. My family. My job. My health. I sometimes feel like the only thing I look forward to is the next thing I put in my mouth. That is a ridiculously depressing statement.

I have these moments where I think – maybe I should just drink all the time. I remember in college when I was drinking I didn’t really feel like eating…so maybe I just replace food with drink. Dumb, right? Do I really want to become an alcoholic? The answer to that is a big fat NO, but I am so tired of being what I am, too. So, why can’t I become something different? If I want it so bad, why don’t I do it. I must be fucking nuts. What do they say about insanity? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Yep, thats me. Certifiable.

Normal?

I am off-off the wagon…kind of like off-off Broadway. I have yet to regain any kind of control over my food choices…and after all, I did say I was powerless over food. Guess I am proving it time and time again. I had cookies for breakfast. And ice cream for lunch. I don’t feel good about it, but I couldn’t stop myself from eating and quite frankly, I consciously made the “fuck it” decision. I am the definition of powerless over food. This Step One thing? I’ve got it down. I am an expert at powerless.

The question I have is – why? What about me makes me like this? I am really trying to be gentle with myself…this conscious awareness is a double edged sword. I realize that I have a problem and my logical mind has provided me a solution but my compulsion continues to propel me in the opposite direction.

I have a closet filled to the brim with clothes I cant wear. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Why isnt this enough to motivate me to stay on the right path? What is wrong with me?

Insanity.

I know I am just writing for myself…and I am ok with that. This post is going to take a weird turn. First let me say, I have fallen off the wagon. Big time. However, I am still consciously following the OA way. I know that I have a compulsive overeating problem, I am powerless and willing to give it up to my HP. I also know that God is talking to me…and not in the way that makes me a crazy person…instead in a totally loving, supportive and sane way. 🙂

Here is what makes me crazy…I recently experienced – let me just call it a “violent event” and it has shaken me to the core. I have never been in a situation like this before…and hope beyond hope that I never will again. As a result, I am falling right back into old habits of comfort eating…God keeps telling me that food is not comfort, He is…and I believe him. I really do, but its not stopping me. I am trying to start anew today. So far so good, but the desire to eat shit that I shouldnt is BIG. I am in such a funk over “the incident” that I am crying a lot…Im not sleeping well. A doctor prescribed Xanax but now that I am back in JAX, I really dont want to take it anymore. I am trying to find other coping mechanisms.

Last night was the first night I tried not to take anything to sleep since ‘IT’ happened and I slept fitfully. I kept reliving the experience. I finally just got up to take a shower and I had a full on panic attack although I thought I was having a heart attack. Scary. I did go to my doctor today to talk through the situation with her and she has prescribed something else that should help me sleep and is non-habit forming. I really feel like a basket case.

This will be hard to believe based on this post, but I am a really strong person. This situation has knocked me for a loop…I am still doing my readings and now trying meditation too. I am trying to find my calm. I have set up another appointment with my EAP person and my doctor wants me to see a psychiatrist. See? Crazy.

My logical mind knows that the way I am working through it is all normal and that its going to take time, but that logic isnt keeping me from feeling insane.

Day 21 – The Finish Line?

I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 21 day diet in 3 hours and 12 minutes… ~Pinterest

My first goal has been reached. I did it. It feels great. Even with that one compulsive bite of candy,  I am proud of myself. I didn’t slide into a candy-eating frenzy. I don’t know what my total weight loss was, yet, will have to report on that Monday when I get back to town. I’m working on quieting the crazy that’s telling me if I weigh on Monday after my Sunday cheat day, I will skew the results. Today I will continue to work Step 3 and remember that I am not in control.

I am working out a plan for a lifetime and right now I am leaning toward 21 day chunks of abstinence followed by one day of giving into weakness before jumping back in to another 21 days. It feels like creating a specific plan that allows for structure but also gives me …ok, I am stopping myself. I am controlling again. It hasn’t been my nature to just go with it. How can I rectify my nature with this? I truly don’t know. The only plan OA asks you to follow is a plan of abstinence. That is what I need to remember.

I will be offline for a couple of days. Talk to you when I get back.