Putting a plan together…

You know when you get so overwhelmed that you just start spinning in circles? I am in full on spin. I have given up on my diet, almost completely. We’ve already talked about how out of control I am there…and now professionally, I am starting my spin. Between my personal and professional lives, I am getting whiplash. I keep going back and forth between staying with what I know or “taking the path less traveled” (nod to Robert Frost). I know its only been since Tuesday so I have some time to figure it all out, but I feel so much pressure to put a plan together.

I feel like I can’t tackle all of it at once and if I don’t get my professional shit together, my personal shit wont matter because ultimately, I will be living in a box and wont be able to afford to eat so that will solve that! Oh wait, so that feels like a plan! Wouldn’t it be funny if that’s the real deal? Maybe not so funny.

I am starting to formulate a plan of action. My first one was to declutter. To take advantage of having some downtime and tackle some of the things that I was putting off until I take some vacation time…well since I am on this forced vacation, no time like the present. So today I am cleaning out my home office. I also have all the shit from my Citi office in the garage that I need to deal with…ok, one thing at a time, the spin is real, y’all. Again, for today, my plan is this office.

Today, I will organize my office. I will pay my bills. I will complete both of these tasks. Yes, that is me trying to convince myself.

Figuring it all out…

I wish I had a magic 8 ball that would truly tell me the future. Losing my job has pushed me into decision making mode about what to do with my life…and honestly, I don’t know if I am ready. I have always been one of those people that just…well, landed. When I was a kid, I never wanted to “be” anything when I grew up; not like the other kids. And that kind of played out as an adult, I just drifted, but I have always been so fortunate and landed in the right place at the right time. Even my last job, when I was laid off from BofA, I found a new job within 30 days at Citi. In both cases, I didn’t have mortgage experience but my leadership skills carried me in. I want to have faith that what I bring to the table now will also carry me somewhere. Just where?

As long as I was Citi, I really didn’t have to think about what I wanted to do next. As much as I hated my job, I was comfortable; I was making a decent wage and for the most part, I knew what I needed to do. I had a great team of guys that I liked working with and I think they liked working with me too so unless someone pushed me, I probably wasn’t going to jump. So they pushed.

I love managing a team and you know what? I’m good at it. As much as I say all the time that I don’t like people, I’m pretty fortunate that people like me.

So all in all, I’m still doing ok after being laid off, but now I have to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Talk about a push!

So I was laid off today. I didn’t expect it at all…I’m probably a bit numb but I think I’m ok. I live paycheck to paycheck so I need a job and I need it soon but I’m remarkably zen about it. I’ll probably jump off a cliff tomorrow but today I’m good.

I have hated my job for a long time. I have felt like it was slowly killing me…I guess someone felt like I needed a push. Now what?

Goals

I have none. Personally nor professionally. At least that’s the way I’m acting. I act as if I don’t want success and I don’t want to be a contributing member of society. Nothing could be further from the truth. I want so much more for myself than what I’m demonstrating.

There is this old saying (adage? -is there a difference) that if you bargain for life with a penny, that’s all you’ll get back. Honestly, I fucking owe the universe money. I’m definitely not living up to my potential.

I’m in a job that I hate. It sucks the life out of me on the daily…but I’m grateful to have one. I am in a body that is so mad at me, it’s attacking itself (Hashimotos, Vitiligo, Lupus, seriously, what else?)! I’m pretty sure I have a new hernia. And still I get fatter every day.

I don’t want a pill that makes me thin. I want a pill that makes me WANT it so bad that I actually do it. Someone fucking wake me up.

Cycle of destruction…

Almost every day I wake up and think, today is the day. Today is the day that my thinking shifts and I make it happen. And then I have pizza for breakfast (like I am doing right now). Being a compulsive overeater is like having a secret job. You have to find ways to fit in the snacks, extra meals, extra snacks and do it all without anyone noticing. Nah, they wont notice the extra fifty pounds Ive gained only eating healthy. Nah, the wont notice all the wrappers and shit I stuff in the bottom of the trash can or hide with other crap. Nah, they wont notice that I never have any money to do anything at all because I am spending it on garbage food. Honestly, it truly is the definition of insanity. Every time I wake up and think today is the day; I go to bed thinking “tomorrow is the day.” When will I break this cycle?

Yesterday I had the perfect day. Not a carb entered my mouth. Then, at 830 pm, I had Dark Cherry Chocolate ice cream. A big ol mug full. And it was fucking delicious. So this morning Im eating pizza. I am heading to St Louis today for work. And I will be on a per diem so I get to eat on someone else’s money. Fuggedaboutit.

I feel like Margaret…”Are you there God, its me, Jeanine” except instead of asking for boobies and a womanly figure and mindset, I am asking for HELP. Help to break this cycle of destruction.

I recently became an Independent Distributor for SeneGence; the people who make LipSense – I did it because ONE, I love their products and TWO, I need a distraction. I am super lonely and I eat out of boredom. So maybe if I can create a small business for myself that is so time consuming, I can leave compulsive eating behind….wouldnt that be a miracle? I went to a training session on Saturday and one of the many wonderful quotes I picked up was “Push through the negative to the JOY”…can I do that? Can I really find my JOY?