How is it that I can know the right thing and continue to do the wrong thing? How can I actively do the opposite of what I should do – consistently? I am so frustrated with myself. My colleagues in OA keep telling me to be gentle with myself…but damn I feel like an absolute failure. All.The.Time.
The first step was really easy. I am powerless over food. Hell, I am powerless over just about everything. My family. My job. My health. I sometimes feel like the only thing I look forward to is the next thing I put in my mouth. That is a ridiculously depressing statement.
I have these moments where I think – maybe I should just drink all the time. I remember in college when I was drinking I didn’t really feel like eating…so maybe I just replace food with drink. Dumb, right? Do I really want to become an alcoholic? The answer to that is a big fat NO, but I am so tired of being what I am, too. So, why can’t I become something different? If I want it so bad, why don’t I do it. I must be fucking nuts. What do they say about insanity? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Yep, thats me. Certifiable.