Insanity.

I know I am just writing for myself…and I am ok with that. This post is going to take a weird turn. First let me say, I have fallen off the wagon. Big time. However, I am still consciously following the OA way. I know that I have a compulsive overeating problem, I am powerless and willing to give it up to my HP. I also know that God is talking to me…and not in the way that makes me a crazy person…instead in a totally loving, supportive and sane way. 🙂

Here is what makes me crazy…I recently experienced – let me just call it a “violent event” and it has shaken me to the core. I have never been in a situation like this before…and hope beyond hope that I never will again. As a result, I am falling right back into old habits of comfort eating…God keeps telling me that food is not comfort, He is…and I believe him. I really do, but its not stopping me. I am trying to start anew today. So far so good, but the desire to eat shit that I shouldnt is BIG. I am in such a funk over “the incident” that I am crying a lot…Im not sleeping well. A doctor prescribed Xanax but now that I am back in JAX, I really dont want to take it anymore. I am trying to find other coping mechanisms.

Last night was the first night I tried not to take anything to sleep since ‘IT’ happened and I slept fitfully. I kept reliving the experience. I finally just got up to take a shower and I had a full on panic attack although I thought I was having a heart attack. Scary. I did go to my doctor today to talk through the situation with her and she has prescribed something else that should help me sleep and is non-habit forming. I really feel like a basket case.

This will be hard to believe based on this post, but I am a really strong person. This situation has knocked me for a loop…I am still doing my readings and now trying meditation too. I am trying to find my calm. I have set up another appointment with my EAP person and my doctor wants me to see a psychiatrist. See? Crazy.

My logical mind knows that the way I am working through it is all normal and that its going to take time, but that logic isnt keeping me from feeling insane.