Day 8

I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.” ~Pinterest

I weigh the same as I did yesterday. Today starts a new week so I guess I am locked in at 6 pounds lost for week one…and of course, my brain starts going ok, at the end of 21 days if I average 6 pounds per week, then I am 18 pounds down. No guarantees and let me say it out loud again, damn, I want it to be more. I need for it to be more. I always watch those weight loss shows and the people that are the heaviest lose like 20 pounds a week, but they are working out like crazy too so I guess there’s that. I haven’t started working out yet, I just don’t feel like it. I do have the flu so I will use that as my excuse for now.

There are so many things I don’t feel like doing. Exercise. Work. Talk to people. I just want to cuddle with dogs. Is there a job that pays for that?

Speaking of cuddling, it’s been a long time since I’ve been “cuddled” by someone else (*with emphasis on the someone else). I just don’t feel sexy at all. I don’t even feel pretty and for someone who has heard, “you have such a pretty face” most of my life, that’s saying something. I have always felt pretty even though I was fat, but I am losing that feeling, too. I am aging, my skin is sagging, my face is wrinkling, I have a harder time getting up, my thighs are rubbing together, my belly is hanging. My belly is hanging. I could hide a pack of cigarettes in my ‘apron’ – I don’t smoke so I am not sure why cigarettes would be the thing to hide, but you get the idea. I am disgusted by me.

Everything just feels wrong right now. Work. Home. Everything. Is it all as simple as my weight? I swear I was happier when I was 70 pounds lighter; and it reached into every part of my life. Is that possible?

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