Day 20

I put my scale in the bathroom corner, and thats where that bitch will stay until she apologizes. ~ Pinterest

That quote is so funny to me! I have been absolutely obsessed with my scale. I weigh every day, multiple times a day. I try to make little bets with myself about how much I am going to weigh at the end of the day and I always say a little prayer that I will weigh the same as I did that morning so that gives me an advantage the next morning when I weigh again. Obsessed.

I was thinking about what I mentioned yesterday regarding what I have been praying to my HP about…maybe I need to ask for freedom from my main compulsion – control. I am so busy trying to control every aspect of my life, that I am failing at all of them and that feeling of failure is so overwhelming. Can I truly embrace the OA Step 3 (Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God/HP)? What does that really mean? I guess it means that instead of charging through life, I need to be silent and seek guidance from my HP.

I tried it this morning. Instead of automatically getting on the scale, I silently asked if I should and I very clearly heard ‘no’. So, I didn’t. I was willing to trust the voice – call it intuition, call it HP, call it whatever you want, I have to be willing to give up control and trust it. So I did. And you know what? I didn’t burst into flames after I walked away from the scale. Tomorrow is the last of my initial 21 days, I am leaving for Myrtle Beach and wont be able to weigh myself until I get back and that’s going to be ok.

I’m going to have to keep reminding myself that I am no longer in control, that my HP is. I have to listen to that voice.

Clearly, I am a skeptic. I know you are too. In so many ways this feels crazy, but everything else I have tried hasn’t worked. I am willing to take that leap so why not believe that God, my Higher Power, can cure me?

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