Day 18

If you’ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it ~Pinterest

I’m sliding into homeplate on this first 21 days…I’m feeling…disappointed and excited at the same time. Disappointed that my weight loss isn’t greater and excited because I feel like this is a lifestyle that I think I can maintain. The disappointment part is the part I am most troubled by. This is so hard. I’m really working on my mind and getting to a place where the number doesn’t matter, but lets face it, when its as high as mine is, the number means something. I am trying to reframe it but I haven’t found anything that works for me, yet.

I will say that starting each day with my devotionals has been helping me, I feel more grounded. I really am trying to take it one day at a time. I did have two revelations today. According to the 12 steps of OA, the most important thing is finding a Higher Power (HP) that you can turn your will over to. And if it isn’t God, or if you are having a hard time with that concept, find something that you can use “as if”. My first revelation is that my HP are the books that I am reading each morning…right now, they give me hope. This morning when I was reading Step 3, I realized that the books are my lifeline; they are my as if, right now. If I want to make it, I know that I can’t do it alone, I have to rely on someone/something outside of myself to make it happen. I have always considered myself spiritual, not necessarily religious. I have never bought into everything the Catholic Church espouses, but I have always loved God. What I never believed is that God would ever pay attention to something as trivial as my weight problem so I have to shift my belief. For now, I will use this books as my HP until I believe and act as if God will answer my prayers. I know He can, but can I?

My second revelation was that when I am thinner, men are more attracted to me. I have always known that the men I like don’t like fat women, but what if instead of that being the case, it’s really my attitude? When I am thinner, I am more attracted to myself! I act differently, more confident, happier, maybe that is the attraction? If I can live “as if” for my HP, do you think I could also live the life that I think I would have as a thinner person now?

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