Day 17

I’d give up carbs, but I’m not a quitter ~Pinterest

Lets continue the booty call saga. Another text came through last night, this one saying, “Can you sneak me in tonight?” Once again, I rebuffed him. There was this part of me, though, that was worried that if I turned him down again, I would never hear from him again…and then I have no one. Even though a ‘friends with benefits’ situation is not what I am looking for, can I really afford to piss off the only man that is interested in me?

I don’t want to. I want to have more pride in myself and my choices and feel like I am worthy of more. Even when I don’t feel like it. Being fat really fucks with your mind. You never feel quite good enough or worthy of someone’s attention so sometimes, you settle. I keep promising myself that I wont settle. I don’t want to be with a man that is settling for me either.

I want to be the kind of woman that is proud of herself but if I was really honest, I want to be the kind of woman that any man is proud to have in his life.

Four and a half more days of my twenty one. I would be lying if I said my cravings are gone, yesterday I would have traded a kidney for a handful of jellybeans! Thankfully, both kidneys are in tact and the offensive beans are hidden somewhere out of sight, out of mind.

I’m still working on my mind and working my steps. I feel very comfortable in my progress. Step one, I am definitely powerless over food. I think about it all the time. I watch food shows. I think about what I am going to have for my next meal and how it will be prepared, constantly. Step two, I wholeheartedly believe that God is the only one that can help relieve my obsession. I have tried this on my own. I have lost and I have gained, I have tried every diet under the sun and wasted lots of money trying to achieve a perfect number and yet, here I sit, still in this same stuck spot.

Step 3. Made a decision to turn our life and our will over to the care of a Higher Power. May as well, right? Its not like I have been doing such a great job trying to take care of myself and run things! This is a hard one to wrap my mind around – what does this look like? I am going to keep reading and praying, but I know this is exactly where I need to be.

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