Day 16

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actress ~Pinterest

Last night I got what I am sure was a booty call from my ex. A little bit of history, we dated for a few months last year and then he broke up with me; he said that I was unavailable – not from a matter of time, but a matter of heart…and he was probably right. I liked him, but to use elementary school terms, I didn’t like like him and I guess it showed. Anyhow, over the past year, he has texted from time to time to check on me, particularly when I had my surgeries, which I thought was sweet, but it always seemed platonic. Lately he has been stepping up his game, texting more and more, being flirtatious, asking my opinion on things, etc. Last night, he texted and said, “Sneak me into your room tonight.” We both have our mothers living with us and it is quite an adjustment! Anyhow, no, I am not sneaking a man into my room. First of all, its my house, I don’t have to sneak anyone, anywhere. Secondly, I am not a booty call kinda gal. And third, if I was a booty call kinda gal, I certainly don’t feel booty call ready. And that’s the rub.

Lets get past the booty call part of the story and focus on the readiness. I am way too insecure with my body right now to let anyone see or touch it, let alone try to feel sexy in it! Since he and I last saw one another, I have gained at least 50 pounds. In one year. Let that shit sink in. Last year was an extraordinary year with two surgeries. I completely gave in to all of my food issues and ate with abandon. In fairness to myself, I do gain weight really fast and furious, but knowing this, I still indulged. And indulged. At day 16, I am still only about 10 pounds down and I really have done most everything right. I am practicing my abstinence – abstaining from carbs, abstaining from overeating and completing my 21 days as clean as possible. But what happens after these 21? That’s a really good question. I need to come up with a plan for living. A plan that allows me to live.

I want to feel comfortable in my skin.

By the way, I am pretty sure that T was drunk last night even though he said he was only buzzed and that he thinks about me all the time…I haven’t heard from him yet today, I am going to assume he is sleeping it off!

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