Day 13

All I care about is carbs, my dogs and like three people… ~Pinterest

I have thought a lot about what Dr.P said and I really need to focus on my health, not my weight. She is right. I have to get my mind right. I have a problem with food, I miss it when there is something I can’t eat and sometimes, if I know there is something that I shouldn’t be eating, I start plotting ways that its ok if I eat it. I am not a person that eats just one bite, even if I don’t really like it, I eat the whole thing. Pushing away a plate that still has food on it, is not my style.

So, now this is a journey to healthy mind and body…honestly, this is going to be a lot harder than I thought. I read this during my daily devotional this morning:

…didn’t know who I was and what my purpose in life could be, I didn’t want to be me. I wanted to be someone else. I didn’t like my looks, my body, my intellect, or any part of me. I wanted what you had – your hair, eyes, and personality…I used food to hide from me. I was afraid of what I would find if I looked…(Overeaters Anonymous, 2nd edition. ©1980)

This is true for me. I am arguing some of it in my mind, particularly the part about personality but when it comes right down to it, there is this weakness that I attribute to my personality that I would like to exchange for sure. I definitely have no idea what my lifes purpose is; I say all the time, “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.” I’m 48. Its time I figure some shit out.

I am re-reading the books that I bought when I was actively attending Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meetings and feeling more and more pulled to do the 12 step program. When I first went in 2010, I never really worked the steps, the fellowship was more important. Having someone else who could understand my struggle (the struggle is real!) was intoxicating and I was faithful in my attendance. I wish I would have actually worked the steps, too, because here I am again.

OA is all about giving up control to a Higher Power. For me, my Higher Power is for sure, God. I have been talking to God for years, have always believed there is something bigger than me that is in charge, but have never felt significant enough to have God support me.

Step One. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable. Yes. For sure, yes. I have zero control over how I think or consume food. As good as I think I’m doing on my 21 days, yesterday I cheated. Without thinking about it. At my office, I volunteered to stuff eggs for an upcoming charity event and we were stuffing them with candy and trinkets. After stuffing one hundred or so, I literally opened a candy and popped it my mouth. Didn’t even think twice about it, until it was in my mouth and then I swallowed it anyhow. I felt so guilty and ashamed. Food shouldn’t make us feel this way.

I have spent an extraordinary amount of time trying to control my eating and thinking I was in control. It is part of the very fiber of who I am; control is not something I easily relinquish and to admit that I am really not in control? That’s a big first step. But its going to take more than me saying it, I have to believe it down to my toes. I am not sure I am 100% there. This step will take more work.

This day, food wise, is really tough. I am feeling very snacky. I really have to figure out some good snacks because right now, it is taking everything I have to not walk into the kitchen and eat anything that is not nailed down.

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