Day 12

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut… ~Pinterest

Gosh yesterday was a frustrating day. Be warned, this language might get salty.

I mentioned I was going to the doctor and was going to ask about weight loss medication, right? Well that’s a no go. She and I had a long and frustrating talk where she pointed out that at this point, any medication could be more detrimental than good and that if my only goal is weight loss and not health gain, then I might as well have gastric sleeve surgery. First of all, I was shocked that she would recommend any kind of surgery. Second of all, after having two abdominal surgeries last year (hysterectomy and hernia), the thought of having an elective surgery is repulsive. And I guess in some corners of my crazy mind, it is the final admission of being fat. I can’t really deny that I’m fat if I have to have surgery to not be fat, right?

I’m really fucking pissed at myself. How did I let this happen?? How did I get to this point? It’s literally hard to do anything.

My doctor also said, “even if you lose 70 pounds and go to another doctor, they will still think you need to lose weight…” I know she is right, but again, it’s not what I want to hear. I can’t really live in my fantasy world when people keep throwing that shit in my face. Ultimately, her point was I need to stop focusing on the weight and focus on getting healthy. Mind and body. I appreciate what she was saying, but again, I didn’t want to hear it. I still don’t.

Let’s add insult to injury. Also, yesterday, I received my cardiac monitor. I am wearing it right now and will for possibly thirty days. It’s annoying. I have a battery in my pants pocket connected to three wires that are then attached to my chest and belly. The receiver is the size of a cell phone and it is in my back pocket. If I have any “episodes” I am to hit the record button on the thing and stay still until it beeps that it is ok to move again. I am heading to St Louis on business April 9 so it’s possible I will be able to turn it in prior to my trip otherwise I will have to take it with me and wear it while there. I guess I would have to explain to the TSA why I look like I am wired to blow. I am hopeful that I will be able to turn it in early.

I called my sister to vent, little background here, she is older than me but has always been in much better shape. She is married with three children. My sister is smart, attractive and also has food issues, but she is much better at controlling them than I am. I called her just to express my frustration with myself, the situation, everything and honestly, it didn’t help. Completely not her fault, but still frustrating. I have to find the reserves within myself to find the path, no one can fix me or make it better.

So this morning, I got up, I read my daily devotional and I went to work. One day at a time.

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