Day 11

Dieting is easy. Its like riding a bike. Except the bike is on fire. And the ground is on fire. And everything is on fire because you are in hell. ~Pinterest

I am working from home today so I get to watch tv while I am working and the show “Pickler & Ben” is on, it is a whole weightloss/motivational show and WOW! There was a woman on there who at her highest weighed as much as I do, today, after losing 7 pounds (yes, that’s my total as of this morning) and she was inspiring…not so much her attitude, but just seeing someone who has done it. I can do this. I can.

The other guest on the show was Jillian Michaels from “The Biggest Loser”. She inspired me. She said things that I needed to hear. I was literally thinking last night how hard it will be to NEVER have bread or pasta or sweets again and that I had to just resign myself to a new life. She said that its unrealistic to eliminate everything. My biggest takeaway is to find balance, balance is sustainable. She mentioned that she follows an 80/20 rule because she is in maintenance; if you use a calorie allowance, then 80% of her calories are nutritious and 20% might be that she has pizza and wine for dinner. She also talked about trying to eat ‘real’ food as much as possible, nothing processed that interferes with our biochemistry. The other thing she said is “find a workout program that you don’t hate” – that’s where I am. I need to figure that part out.

So I am half way through my 21 days and Im really trying to not be disappointed that I haven’t lost more weight. I know I said I am trying to set small goals that are not tied to pounds, but honestly, you and I both know that not getting mired in the actual numbers is nearly impossible…unless you are already where you want to be. But on top of the number itself, I start thinking about how long it will take to get ‘there’, wherever there is, and that I am going to have to give up so much. Its hard. I am struggling. I really need support.

Today I am going to my doctor. I have a list of items to discuss with her, but this is really a follow up appointment. That morning a few weeks ago when I woke up with heart palpitations, I went to see her and she is the one who recommended that I go see the cardiologist but once we had that cleared up, to come back. Today is that day. I asked her during that first visit to prescribe something to support weight loss, she wouldn’t do it until I cleared my heart stuff. So I am excited about todays visit.

Listen I know that medication will not solve my problem, but what I do need is something to kickstart my journey. I know this needs to be a mind, body and soul initiative. I need to feel this down to my toes. I really do know myself pretty well, well enough to know if I don’t see successes, I will give up more easily. Rightly or wrongly, it is true. I wish I could say that I had the kind of discipline that allows me to put my mind to something and just do it, but right now, this feels insurmountable.

Today I started something new. I started reading my books from Overeaters Anonymous (OA). If you don’t know anything about OA, it follows the same methodology as Alcoholics Anonymous with the twelve steps and group support. When I first moved to Jacksonville from North Carolina, I felt very out of control with my eating and life and just in general. I started researching support groups on line and found an OA group right down the street from my sister’s house where I was living at the time. When I walked in that day, I remember feeling relief. Its hard to describe, but it felt like I had maybe found a solution. I stopped going to the meetings, which was a mistake, because I felt like I had overcome my demons. I lost weight, I felt good and in control again and wasn’t that what it was all about? No. Control isn’t really the goal of OA. In OA, its all about giving up control and giving it to God, or whoever you ascribe to as a higher being, but the point is recognizing that you are powerless over your addiction (for me, food) and that you need help from a higher power.

Reading the books again helps me to remember how much inspiration I found in everyone’s story, support and unconditional love. Maybe I will start going to meetings again, I don’t know. I do know that I will continue to read these stories.

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