Rebel with zero cause…

My mind is a jumble. I am struggling so hard…I KNOW the right thing to do but I do not do it…and quite frankly, I rebel against it. I had two doctors appointments today, on the second one, it was a new doctor to me. He literally asked why I dont try to lose weight and I flippantly answered that I just dont. And then I drove to Dunkin Donuts and picked up two donuts and an iced coffee. Really??? Who do I think I am rebelling against? Ultimately its me.

I know I keep asking the same question, why? Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I get it together? Why can’t I just…fill in the blank.

In one of my readings there was this person talking about how when we say we will start over tomorrow, it basically gives us permission to keep eating compulsively for the rest of the day. Instead of just starting now. That sticks…

I was looking at pictures of myself and I hate what I see. There are no good angles. Why do I keep doing this?

Path…

Today I read something interesting…in one of my daily readings (that I havent been doing daily), someone mentioned a straight path…visual is really important to me…so anyhow, they mentioned that the only way through is on a straight path, not veering off based on whim (Im paraphrasing). For some reason, this has power for me. Thinking about how many times I step off the path is mind-blowing. I start a diet (a new path) and stick with it for awhile and then I take a left turn or a right turn, or go backwards altogether. I never stay on the path. Why? Its the only way to get to the illusive “there” and yet, I veer. Veer is a funny word. Yep, off the path.

I have to figure out what it is that takes me off the path and away from what I am working toward. And, equally important, how to get back on the path. How do I do that? I dont even know where to begin. I have been doing this all of my life…

How?

How is it that I can know the right thing and continue to do the wrong thing? How can I actively do the opposite of what I should do – consistently? I am so frustrated with myself. My colleagues in OA keep telling me to be gentle with myself…but damn I feel like an absolute failure. All.The.Time.

The first step was really easy. I am powerless over food. Hell, I am powerless over just about everything. My family. My job. My health. I sometimes feel like the only thing I look forward to is the next thing I put in my mouth. That is a ridiculously depressing statement.

I have these moments where I think – maybe I should just drink all the time. I remember in college when I was drinking I didn’t really feel like eating…so maybe I just replace food with drink. Dumb, right? Do I really want to become an alcoholic? The answer to that is a big fat NO, but I am so tired of being what I am, too. So, why can’t I become something different? If I want it so bad, why don’t I do it. I must be fucking nuts. What do they say about insanity? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Yep, thats me. Certifiable.

Normal?

I am off-off the wagon…kind of like off-off Broadway. I have yet to regain any kind of control over my food choices…and after all, I did say I was powerless over food. Guess I am proving it time and time again. I had cookies for breakfast. And ice cream for lunch. I don’t feel good about it, but I couldn’t stop myself from eating and quite frankly, I consciously made the “fuck it” decision. I am the definition of powerless over food. This Step One thing? I’ve got it down. I am an expert at powerless.

The question I have is – why? What about me makes me like this? I am really trying to be gentle with myself…this conscious awareness is a double edged sword. I realize that I have a problem and my logical mind has provided me a solution but my compulsion continues to propel me in the opposite direction.

I have a closet filled to the brim with clothes I cant wear. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Why isnt this enough to motivate me to stay on the right path? What is wrong with me?

Insanity.

I know I am just writing for myself…and I am ok with that. This post is going to take a weird turn. First let me say, I have fallen off the wagon. Big time. However, I am still consciously following the OA way. I know that I have a compulsive overeating problem, I am powerless and willing to give it up to my HP. I also know that God is talking to me…and not in the way that makes me a crazy person…instead in a totally loving, supportive and sane way. 🙂

Here is what makes me crazy…I recently experienced – let me just call it a “violent event” and it has shaken me to the core. I have never been in a situation like this before…and hope beyond hope that I never will again. As a result, I am falling right back into old habits of comfort eating…God keeps telling me that food is not comfort, He is…and I believe him. I really do, but its not stopping me. I am trying to start anew today. So far so good, but the desire to eat shit that I shouldnt is BIG. I am in such a funk over “the incident” that I am crying a lot…Im not sleeping well. A doctor prescribed Xanax but now that I am back in JAX, I really dont want to take it anymore. I am trying to find other coping mechanisms.

Last night was the first night I tried not to take anything to sleep since ‘IT’ happened and I slept fitfully. I kept reliving the experience. I finally just got up to take a shower and I had a full on panic attack although I thought I was having a heart attack. Scary. I did go to my doctor today to talk through the situation with her and she has prescribed something else that should help me sleep and is non-habit forming. I really feel like a basket case.

This will be hard to believe based on this post, but I am a really strong person. This situation has knocked me for a loop…I am still doing my readings and now trying meditation too. I am trying to find my calm. I have set up another appointment with my EAP person and my doctor wants me to see a psychiatrist. See? Crazy.

My logical mind knows that the way I am working through it is all normal and that its going to take time, but that logic isnt keeping me from feeling insane.

Day 21 – The Finish Line?

I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 21 day diet in 3 hours and 12 minutes… ~Pinterest

My first goal has been reached. I did it. It feels great. Even with that one compulsive bite of candy,  I am proud of myself. I didn’t slide into a candy-eating frenzy. I don’t know what my total weight loss was, yet, will have to report on that Monday when I get back to town. I’m working on quieting the crazy that’s telling me if I weigh on Monday after my Sunday cheat day, I will skew the results. Today I will continue to work Step 3 and remember that I am not in control.

I am working out a plan for a lifetime and right now I am leaning toward 21 day chunks of abstinence followed by one day of giving into weakness before jumping back in to another 21 days. It feels like creating a specific plan that allows for structure but also gives me …ok, I am stopping myself. I am controlling again. It hasn’t been my nature to just go with it. How can I rectify my nature with this? I truly don’t know. The only plan OA asks you to follow is a plan of abstinence. That is what I need to remember.

I will be offline for a couple of days. Talk to you when I get back.

Day 20

I put my scale in the bathroom corner, and thats where that bitch will stay until she apologizes. ~ Pinterest

That quote is so funny to me! I have been absolutely obsessed with my scale. I weigh every day, multiple times a day. I try to make little bets with myself about how much I am going to weigh at the end of the day and I always say a little prayer that I will weigh the same as I did that morning so that gives me an advantage the next morning when I weigh again. Obsessed.

I was thinking about what I mentioned yesterday regarding what I have been praying to my HP about…maybe I need to ask for freedom from my main compulsion – control. I am so busy trying to control every aspect of my life, that I am failing at all of them and that feeling of failure is so overwhelming. Can I truly embrace the OA Step 3 (Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God/HP)? What does that really mean? I guess it means that instead of charging through life, I need to be silent and seek guidance from my HP.

I tried it this morning. Instead of automatically getting on the scale, I silently asked if I should and I very clearly heard ‘no’. So, I didn’t. I was willing to trust the voice – call it intuition, call it HP, call it whatever you want, I have to be willing to give up control and trust it. So I did. And you know what? I didn’t burst into flames after I walked away from the scale. Tomorrow is the last of my initial 21 days, I am leaving for Myrtle Beach and wont be able to weigh myself until I get back and that’s going to be ok.

I’m going to have to keep reminding myself that I am no longer in control, that my HP is. I have to listen to that voice.

Clearly, I am a skeptic. I know you are too. In so many ways this feels crazy, but everything else I have tried hasn’t worked. I am willing to take that leap so why not believe that God, my Higher Power, can cure me?

Day 19

I don’t always have a cheat day but when I do, I eat for myself and 1/2 of a small continent… ~Pinterest

I keep thinking about my next steps. What happens at the end of 21? Right now, I am focused on getting through Easter weekend without undoing everything I have done for the past 20+ days. I know my cousin is going to make pasta. My mom made a meat pie (yes, you heard me, a meat pie!) and Easter cookies. How do you maintain healthy choices and enjoy yourself? As far as I have been concerned, they are mutually exclusive, you can’t have one with the other. That’s my problem. I want to be thinner, but continue to eat the way I always have and not exercise. Magic.

I am planning for Sunday to be my cheat day, but again, I don’t want to go crazy. How do I eat something without sliding right back down that slope? I don’t know.

I know that carbs are truly my kryptonite. I know that the more I eat, the more I want to eat and I don’t know how to stop once I start. I keep praying to my HP to help me control my compulsive overeating but I am not sure I am asking for the right thing yet…

Day 18

If you’ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it ~Pinterest

I’m sliding into homeplate on this first 21 days…I’m feeling…disappointed and excited at the same time. Disappointed that my weight loss isn’t greater and excited because I feel like this is a lifestyle that I think I can maintain. The disappointment part is the part I am most troubled by. This is so hard. I’m really working on my mind and getting to a place where the number doesn’t matter, but lets face it, when its as high as mine is, the number means something. I am trying to reframe it but I haven’t found anything that works for me, yet.

I will say that starting each day with my devotionals has been helping me, I feel more grounded. I really am trying to take it one day at a time. I did have two revelations today. According to the 12 steps of OA, the most important thing is finding a Higher Power (HP) that you can turn your will over to. And if it isn’t God, or if you are having a hard time with that concept, find something that you can use “as if”. My first revelation is that my HP are the books that I am reading each morning…right now, they give me hope. This morning when I was reading Step 3, I realized that the books are my lifeline; they are my as if, right now. If I want to make it, I know that I can’t do it alone, I have to rely on someone/something outside of myself to make it happen. I have always considered myself spiritual, not necessarily religious. I have never bought into everything the Catholic Church espouses, but I have always loved God. What I never believed is that God would ever pay attention to something as trivial as my weight problem so I have to shift my belief. For now, I will use this books as my HP until I believe and act as if God will answer my prayers. I know He can, but can I?

My second revelation was that when I am thinner, men are more attracted to me. I have always known that the men I like don’t like fat women, but what if instead of that being the case, it’s really my attitude? When I am thinner, I am more attracted to myself! I act differently, more confident, happier, maybe that is the attraction? If I can live “as if” for my HP, do you think I could also live the life that I think I would have as a thinner person now?

Day 17

I’d give up carbs, but I’m not a quitter ~Pinterest

Lets continue the booty call saga. Another text came through last night, this one saying, “Can you sneak me in tonight?” Once again, I rebuffed him. There was this part of me, though, that was worried that if I turned him down again, I would never hear from him again…and then I have no one. Even though a ‘friends with benefits’ situation is not what I am looking for, can I really afford to piss off the only man that is interested in me?

I don’t want to. I want to have more pride in myself and my choices and feel like I am worthy of more. Even when I don’t feel like it. Being fat really fucks with your mind. You never feel quite good enough or worthy of someone’s attention so sometimes, you settle. I keep promising myself that I wont settle. I don’t want to be with a man that is settling for me either.

I want to be the kind of woman that is proud of herself but if I was really honest, I want to be the kind of woman that any man is proud to have in his life.

Four and a half more days of my twenty one. I would be lying if I said my cravings are gone, yesterday I would have traded a kidney for a handful of jellybeans! Thankfully, both kidneys are in tact and the offensive beans are hidden somewhere out of sight, out of mind.

I’m still working on my mind and working my steps. I feel very comfortable in my progress. Step one, I am definitely powerless over food. I think about it all the time. I watch food shows. I think about what I am going to have for my next meal and how it will be prepared, constantly. Step two, I wholeheartedly believe that God is the only one that can help relieve my obsession. I have tried this on my own. I have lost and I have gained, I have tried every diet under the sun and wasted lots of money trying to achieve a perfect number and yet, here I sit, still in this same stuck spot.

Step 3. Made a decision to turn our life and our will over to the care of a Higher Power. May as well, right? Its not like I have been doing such a great job trying to take care of myself and run things! This is a hard one to wrap my mind around – what does this look like? I am going to keep reading and praying, but I know this is exactly where I need to be.